For five years, Drew and I dreamed of watching Christmas through the eyes of a little one. A dear friend of mine, who had also struggled with infertility, and I discussed how we would decorate the house and feel good about the Christmas season. But, there was always something missing. As we would look at the mantles in our homes and see only two stockings hanging it would bring some anger, frustration, doubt, and most of all just pure sadness.
I say all this to say that if you are there, I hear you, I see you. This season is so incredibly hard when you are wishing and dreaming and praying that it would look so much different than it does. Don't loose hope. God is listening to every prayer. He's working on His perfect plan for your life. He's wiping away your tears, so let them fall. And He can handle your anger. He loves you more than you could ever know, and He DOES have that perfect plan for you!
When my grandmother (Fizzy) became a mother, she knit stockings for each of her kids. She had a special pattern she used and made them all the same style but she would switch up the colors based on who the stocking was for. As her kids got married, each spouse got a stocking made by Fizzy. Then grandkids started to enter the picture, and each grandkid got a special stocking from Fizzy. When her grandkids started to get married, the stockings for the new grandchild-in-law would show up at the bridal shower. This continued until Fizzy was too weak to continue to make them. She later passed and no one learned from Fizzy how to knit so this awesome gift could continue.
My mother's dear friend knows how to knit and took it upon herself to take this special pattern from Fizzy and learn how to make a stocking herself! My sister and sister in law were pregnant at the time and we knew they would need stockings for their little ones. My mom's friend called me and said, "I learned how to do the stocking, but it needs to come from someone in your family! You need to learn how to do this! I will teach you!" After many hours in Michaels, on the couch, and on facetime, I learned how to knit the stocking!
As I knit my niece and nephews stocking, I was so proud that I could carry on a little bit of Fizzy for them since they didn't get the chance to meet her! Do the stockings look as beautiful as hers? Absolutely not! There are MANY errors! But, they have their family stocking! As proud as I was to knit these, and as thankful as I was to my mom's friend to teach me, I still felt a little bit sad when I had to give those stockings away to my niece and nephew. I wanted that stocking so badly to be on our mantle, to be for our child.
This year I made another stocking, and it hung on our mantle for our child. This stocking is so much more than just a knitting project hung on the mantle for decoration. It represents years of that wishing, hoping and praying some of you are experiencing this season. Those of you in the wait, you are not forgotten. Those of us who have been through that struggle still remember the tears cried on these "special" days.
Watching Christmas through Jaylen's eyes this year was so amazing. Honestly, way more amazing than I had ever dreamed it could be. And that is because God had His hand all over it. He creates these plans for our lives that are FAR more amazing than we can imagine. That is where the hope is found. Rest in that hope.